I thought I was scaling a mountain

Below are the ten-minute diary entries of one caregiver to a partner with frontotemporal degeneration variant lvPPA (primary progressive aphasia) and early-onset Alzheimer's disease. It may not read like a typical diary, but contains poetic and/or philosophical ramblings of the lived experience from day to day.😍

The views posted here are those of one caregiver and should not be generalized to every caregiver's experience. However, you might find that it rhymes with your experience. Or you might be a curious observer of the experience, since all of us will be asked to care for someone or be cared for by someone at some point in our lives.

Regardless, dear Reader, you are welcome here. May some of this be a balm for you. And, despite the warnings of those who have traveled the depths of the underworld previously, do not abandon all hope. 💗

❓Question– Did you train enough for the climb?

⁉️Wrong Question– Do you have enough endurance for the descent?

Ten Minute Cantos

(after Dante)

I.

This is my Denali--

what if I don’t have a map?

All I have are stories of the mountain

A few people have given me hand-drawn maps--

but the maps are missing features

including the highest peaks, and absolute locations of base camps.

But I can see detritus along the path.

There are suggestions of supplies

warnings about being trained:

What to do first

daily announcements of the percentage of those

who will die on the climb– some will die on the descent

This mountain is supposed to be about the ascent

I need oxygen now-- they didn’t say when I would need it--

just that I would definitely need it.

II.

Question for a mountaineer: Is it more difficult to descend the mountain than to climb it?

The descent is incredibly more dangerous. In part, it’s fatigue cost.

Statistically, more accidents and deaths occur on the descent. You’ve given everything to climb and left nothing for the other 50% of the journey. Now, when you need MORE strength to stabilize each step, you no longer have it. The ascent requires greater strength, whereas the descent requires greater stability.

The Matterhorn is the best example.

III.

I am descending into the underworld

I have not eaten pomegranate seeds

I am an unwilling participant in this journey

Much like Dante

Persephone,

Inanna,

Christ (ok, maybe he was willing).

Pick one.

I don’t know why I was tapped

I understand why there is more than one ring

more than one circle

The descent is an undoing.

IV.

What I want-->Not to be a caregiver

Write→ romantasy

→poetry

→speculative memoir

Make → card decks

→zines

→potions

Create→ space to unwind

→Place to read

→to heal

To Be

Have purpose

Time

V.

My questions today are rhetorical:

--Did Dante have a backstory for traveling down into the Underworld?

--Did he wish to continue the descent after being abducted?

--Was he the male version of Persephone? No

--What’s the motivation? Other than revenge?

--Can I truly use this trope?